So for several years now, guys keep telling my son, you’re doing awesome in your sport and have a lot of potential, now just make sure you stay away from girls and you could be great. Many have taken it farther and have given him personal examples of how they feel a girl derailed their dreams in high school, or college, and subsequently “ruined” their life – so the moral of their story is again, stay away from girls!
For the longest time, I’ll admit, when he’d retell the stories, I’d just kind of nod my head and unthinkingly agree, yep, stay away from girls… sounds about right. But when he recently brought it up again, I was like, woah, hold on! Do I really want this ingrained in his head?
For arguments sake, let’s say someone you loved burned you, or you were in a relationship where you were so obsessive you did nothing else but pine over that person. Maybe you feel you didn’t achieve the goals in life that you thought you should have. Or maybe it’s just as simple as you’re not as satisfied in your marriage as you’d like to be. Even if you have some or all of those regrets, shouldn’t we be telling our kids how to handle relationships better than we did? In fact, shouldn’t we ALWAYS be trying to help them DO and BE better in everything? Especially relationships?
I don’t think the answer is telling them to stay away. I think it means telling our kids what to look for in someone that shows that that person truly loves them and help them find more than just a good relationship, but an awesome relationship.
Here’s the problem with telling kids to stay away, I’ve seen the ways guys treat girls when they’re fed the steady diet of, “stay away from girls!” The catch is, no one stays away from girls! And what I see is that saying that just makes those boys treat girls like they don’t need them. They don’t want to get married, but physically act like they are. They’re not emotionally in the relationship from the beginning and don’t respect the girl. I personally think it’s an unintended consequence of telling kids to stay away, get an education first, get settled and then… maybe.
I’m not advocating getting married young and I’m not saying that a lot of marriages where people were taught to get married early don’t have a ton of problems. I AM saying don’t be afraid to keep looking, BE selective, don’t rush a decision, but also when you do find the one, don’t hold back. It doesn’t matter if you’ve dated 100 different people or just that one, when you know, you know.
So it got me thinking, how do I explain that to my kids? I decided that it had to be fairly simple and easy to remember. Plus, I had to tell them soon because if I were to wait until they were already in a relationship, it would be too late. Any criticism at that point could be construed as a slight to their current interest.
What I told him, I’ll tell all my kids and should be applied to both parties in the relationship. These aren’t gender specific even if this is primarily addressed to my boy.
I think the place to start is to define what true love is and what it feels like.
When you find the right girl, a girl you truly love, it will make you happier than you can even comprehend now. It’s better than the feeling you get when you ace a test or win a tournament, it’s better than Christmas. It’s like every time you see her, you swell with happiness and your cares melt away, there’s no need for any veneer. No other person catches your eye. Just seeing her makes you smile, every time. Being with her makes you want to try a bit harder, be a bit better, but you also know the girl loves you regardless.
True love is constant and selfless. That means there’s no ownership of the other in true love, each gives of themselves freely and willingly. It’s how the person treats you every second of every day not pithy sayings with occasional chocolates and flowers.
And while you may be unlikely to find someone who loves you as much as you love them, (think princess bride “this is true love, do you think this happens every day?”) I think it’s still worth the effort.
However, finding the right girl is a bit tricky. There are a lot of things that masquerade as true love and do bring varying degrees of happiness and sometimes it’s easy to just say – good enough and live with it. But the happiness that comes from truly loving someone and feeling truly loved back completely eclipses what you feel with the others.
These are the three things I told him to help identify whether someone truly loves you and whether you truly love that person back. These should be applied to both of you in the relationship.
1) THE GIRL SHOWS SHE ONLY WANTS YOU – At the beginning of a relationship, there’s a lot of talking, flirting, cat and mouse, games of who is more disinterested – that’s normal. But, after you’ve actually gone out a few times, if she is someone who is actually interested in you and is mature enough for a relationship – that will stop, she will call you, she will want to do things with you, she will free herself up for you. Then, as things progress, you’ll never have to wonder. You’ll never have to have that talk where you say, “let’s be exclusive” because she’ll be practically shouting she loves you from the rooftops, she’ll want to show you off, meet her parents, do everything with you. There’s no question who she wants to be with. If that’s not there, it’s best to leave it alone and move on. It could just be that timing is off or she doesn’t know what she wants, or has, in you and things might always change in the future, but not now, move on. So, if you look at a girl who can’t decide between two guys, it really means she doesn’t truly love either, let her go, and move on.
For instance there was this woman I heard talk about how she felt like she had been pressured when she was young into being exclusive with her now husband. She said she started cheating on him when they were dating and she was now married to him, had 5 kids and was still cheating. She was trying to decide what to do with her current lover, who she had been seeing for over 4 years. From what she said, he too had been pressuring her to be with him (which was also a mistake). But her answer to the dilemma was that she just wished she could switch husbands (or at least their personalities) with her neighbor friend. This neighbor’s husband had told her that he wanted an open marriage and in her words was totally the life of the party… then she could have ALL of them! Ugh… However you look at it, I don’t think you could reconcile those words against every, “I love you,” or whatever trust you thought there was. That’s basically a snapshot that tells you what’s really going on inside someone who can’t decide between two people.
So it’s pretty simple, when someone truly loves you, there’s no contest, there’s no question about who she wants to be with. A girl who truly loves you doesn’t want to keep dating others… you don’t have to pressure her at all because she only wants to be with you. You ARE her dream guy. You ARE her only fantasy and that shouldn’t ever change.
2) SHE STILL WANTS TO DITCH PARTIES JUST TO TALK AND BE WITH YOU – The next test looks at how she values you in social contexts and should be a constant in a relationship, but may not show up negatively till after you’ve been dating for a while. It’s pretty simple. When you go to a typical party, she’ll whisper, let’s get out of here. She wants to go somewhere else just the two of you, not Netflix and chill, you’re dressed up and you still want to be out together. You just do an impromptu date because she’d rather just talk and be with you than anyone else. You’re still the most interesting person to her. It’s the same both ways, you’ll whisper your desire to her and she’ll look at you and want to go. So is that spark still there or is she wanting to stay at the party to talk to the other guy who is “the life of the party”?
3) SHE HELPS AND SUPPORTS YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT ANY PRODDING – Last test, she continually wants to know more about you, you never feel like you get to the point where you can’t find anything to talk about, you always want to know more. If a girl truly loves you, she wants to know all about your dreams and aspirations – and YOU want to share them with her. Throughout the relationship she wants constant updates. She loves to hear about your dreams regardless of how silly those dreams may be and she loves you more for them. She’ll go out of her way to understand them, understand all the things you like – without you having to coax her or make any special arrangements for her to be a part of your life. She just does it because she actually truly loves you. There’s one caveat to reinforce again, it’s gotta go both ways. She’s gotta have her own dreams and is working towards them. And the dreams can’t just be to have a lot of money, or to have a big home, or to just have kids. She has her own dreams and aspirations that she gets excited about.
For instance, in my son’s case, he’s really into golf now, but let’s say he meets a girl who’s really into dance. A girl who truly loves him will want to learn golf and understand why he likes it so much -without his prodding. While girls who love him in “other” ways will just want to watch him and bug him to take “breaks” so they can sit together and whatever. A girl who truly loves him, understands what’s important to him and will work around his schedule. There’s a difference. It doesn’t mean that she needs to be obsessed with it, but she’ll WANT to understand it well enough to be able to play together and be able to talk about it. While if he loves her, he’ll want to learn all about dance and whatever that entails to try to understand it on some level and find ways for them to enjoy it together. Over a lifetime, goals will change, but the support shouldn’t
A girl who truly loves someone wants to understand him, wants to be able to talk with him about what he does and what he likes. She wants to add to his life, not be a distraction. Again, the same goes both ways where the guy needs to care deeply about what the girl does and really immerses himself in her likes, dreams and aspirations without prodding. And here’s the funny thing about it, when you truly love someone, doing those things doesn’t feel like a chore or that it requires some special effort, it just comes naturally.
That’s it. Pretty simple.
Look to those three tests and AGAIN, all three things need to be applied to yourself as well. These are things people can’t hide, or at least, can’t hide forever.
It’s OK to end it if she doesn’t truly love you. And I know ending it is extremely difficult, for a variety of reasons. Believe me, I’ve loved and lost and it can be tough no matter how obvious it is. But despite how you feel, don’t ask her to lie to you and say that she truly loves you, even if you wish she would. And don’t lie to yourself. Look at her actions and yours. It’s better to end it and keep looking than try to force someone to feel something that they never really will with you. Let her find what she wants and let her find her own happiness, whatever that is. Maybe she realizes what she had and comes back, maybe not. But both of you will be better off either way. Unfortunately, after it ends, If you loved her, there’s a certain sadness that will persist and you will probably never completely lose that feeling of love and loss. But keep in mind that when you do find your true love – and she loves you back equally – Everything will change, it will be like fireworks and you’ll explode with happiness and it will wash almost all that previous heartache away.
So… as to whether dating a girl will ruin your life and keep you from reaching your dreams. I’ve found that can happen only if you let it. Yeah, there’s a bit of a risk. But, if you find the right girl, she will not only help you reach your dreams, but will open up a whole new level of success and happiness to you and I think it’s worth the risk. So get looking, because you’ll never meet the right girl unless you try to find her.
